The 2016 election may be more than a year away, but things are already getting weird.
One of the first places the strangeness is showing is in candidates’ campaign stores, so we decided to compile a few of our favorite fundraising oddities.
(For the purposes of this list, fan-created merchandise is left off, though there are some truly laudable puns and other bits of wordplay out there like the Christie Creme t-shirt, “Feel the Bern” and “I’m Ridin’ With Biden.”
As with any time you see election coverage, just remember: this is our circus, and these are our monkeys. We’ve gone through all 22 declared candidates’ campaign stores to find you the strangest things that are offered:
5. The Trump Party Cup ($20)
Official description: “Trump for President! Show your support while you sip your favorite beverage out of our campaign party cups.”
These 16-ounce cups aren’t quite big enough to get you through a predential debate drinking game, but at least you’ll be making your allegiances known (for better or worse).
But for $20, I could buy a 50 pack of actual Solo cups and a fifth of Old Grand-Dad bourbon—a purchase sure to bring more lasting happiness than three cups I have to wash by hand.
Ted Cruz’s store’s drinkware category gets an honorable mention. If you’re tailgating the R.N.C., check out his stadium cups. In comparison to Trump’s, these are a steal at six for $20.
4. Scott Walker’s Biography, at a Mere 2,250% Markup ($299)
Official description: “Don’t miss your chance to get Governor Scott Walker’s book, ‘Unintimidated,’ signed with a personalized note from the Governor. This exclusive item would make a great gift or memorabilia for the Scott Walker fan. Secure your book today while supplies last.”
Unintimidated is currently selling for $12.74 on Amazon. But if you’ve been bitten and smitten by the Walker virus, you can spend a considerably steeper $299 for a signed and personalized copy. If you’re looking for some Republican memorabilia on a tighter budget, a signed version of Ted Cruz’s tome is $85 ($16.79 unsigned on Amazon), and an unsigned copy of Rand Paul’s is $30 ($18.79 on Amazon).
3. A U.S. Constitution Signed by Rand Paul ($1,000)
Official description: “It’s hard to find a greater defender of the U.S. Constitution in the Halls of Congress than Rand Paul. As a Constitutional conservative, he makes it the core of everything he does in Washington. If you would like a signed Constitution in a neatly bound book, contribute $1,000 and we will send you one. It’s [sic] size is perfect for comfortable carrying in the pocket of a sport coat, a purse, laptop bag or in the back pocket of some worn out jeans.”
Unless it’s dipped in gold and hand delivered to me by Rand Paul, I’m not spending $1,000 on a copy of the Constitution, a document I can print off the Internet. Even if I had the money and wanted a copy, I’d pass on principle: if you’re going to ask for that much money, at least pay someone to fix your grammatical errors.
2. (TIE) Hillary’s Everyday Pantsuit Tee and the “Yaaas, Hillary” T-shirt ($30 each)
Official description (Pantsuit Tee): “Bringing a whole new meaning to casual Friday. Pantsuit bottoms not included. American Made. Union Printed.”)
Official description (Yaaas, Hillary T-shirt): “Need we say more? American Made. Union Printed. 100% Cotton.”
I’m all for not taking yourself too seriously. But the former secretary of state’s campaign website appears as though her PR team recruited a bunch of college kids, threw a kegger, and let them throw darts to determine which products made it into the shop.
Other highlights include: a coozie emblazoned with “More like Chillary Clinton, amirite?” and a “Grillary Clinton” spatula.
1. Jeb Bush’s Guaca Bowle ($75)
Official description: “Jeb and Columba love whipping up guacamole on Sunday Funday. Now, you can get in on the act with this ‘Guaca Bowle.’ Jeb’s secret guacamole recipe not included…yet.”
Seriously? Jeb, Williams-Sonoma carries the same thing for less than $50, and it actually comes with a recipe. It’s like someone in the campaign Googled “how to be folksy lol” and then used the search results to write the description for this guacamole bowl.
It also puts a bit too much faith in the shopper catching that it should be pronounced “Guaca Bowl-ee,” unlike its golf-clap-worthy competitor, the Marco Polo.
